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Cake day: June 15th, 2023

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  • Sorry that it has taken me a long time to respond, I’ve been at the cabin, away from my phone.

    Yeah the problem is that because of the history of discrimination we don’t have words for relatively harmless discriminatory tendencies. So if I were to say

    I have racist tendencies

    it sounds like I’m admitting to being a “capital R” racist, when what I mean is,

    I was taught incorrect stereotypes by media as a child, and sometimes despite my best efforts to be egalitarian, these biases cause me to make bad judgements. I try to notice when this happens, to make sure I treat people fairly.

    Yeah I’m not saying anyone is a jerk for having sexual interest only with feminine people with vaginas and boobs, I’m just saying that it’s kinda trans-erasure (and therefore technically transphobic) to say

    I’m exclusively attracted to cis-women

    Because a person doesn’t know the assigned birth sex of every woman they’ve ever been attracted to.

    OurToothbrush was offended because she is a transwoman and attracts men that think they’re exclusively attracted to cis-women. She’s on the front line of transphobia, and searching for a partner puts her at a too real risk of being murdered by a transphobe.

    Yeah it sounds like absolution is a relevant term. People like to think that there are only biological males and biological females and that’s that. It’s not that simple. People like to think that there are racists and non-racists and that’s that. It’s not that simple. People like to think that there are transphobes and non-transphobes and that’s that. It’s not that simple. To me, being an ally is is about supporting a community to defeat unfair discrimination. Imo supporting individuals with friendship isn’t exactly the same but it’s better than nothing.


  • Sorry that it has taken me a long time to respond, I’ve been at the cabin, away from my phone.

    Yeah the problem is that because of the history of discrimination we don’t have words for relatively harmless discriminatory tendencies. So if I were to say

    I have racist tendencies

    it sounds like I’m admitting to being a “capital R” racist, when what I mean is,

    I was taught incorrect stereotypes by media as a child, and sometimes despite my best efforts to be egalitarian, these biases cause me to make bad judgements. I try to notice when this happens, to make sure I treat people fairly.

    Yeah I’m not saying anyone is a jerk for having sexual interest only with feminine people with vaginas and boobs, I’m just saying that it’s kinda trans-erasure (and therefore technically transphobic) to say

    I’m exclusively attracted to cis-women

    Because a person doesn’t know the assigned birth sex of every woman they’ve ever been attracted to.



  • m0darn@lemmy.catoMemes@lemmy.mlviolently cries and sobs
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    2 months ago

    Yes saying that you’re exclusively attracted to cis women is an easy short hand.

    I think OurToothbrush is frustrated with the erasure of transwomen that you fail to identify as trans.

    I think when you said:

    I had never met a transfem whose body I found attractive.

    You don’t actually know if you’ve ever found a trans-woman attractive because you don’t know the birth details of every women you’ve ever found attractive. Some of them could be trans.

    It’s not something I was particularly cognizant of either before seeing OurToothbrush’s reaction.

    I think I would have trouble getting it up for a blow job from a smoking hot women after I learned she had a penis. I’m willing to concede that that is technically transphobic. I don’t think it changes the fact that I am an ally of the trans rights movement.

    Just say you’re a cis-het male ally and I think everyone will know what you mean. It’s too bad this has been sick an ugly experience, it’s still a hell of a lot easier than gender dysphoria.


  • m0darn@lemmy.catoMemes@lemmy.mlviolently cries and sobs
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    2 months ago

    Hey MapleEngineer,

    I’ve seen you around before and know you’re acting in good faith, and I believe you’re an ally, or at least a potential ally, to the trans community.

    I’m chiming in here because I replied to OurToothbrush earlier to give her a cis-het male ally’s perspective, and suggest that she might have more success with a less confrontational strategy.

    She suggested I might have better luck explaining her objection to you, or at least that she would appreciate me trying to help you understand her point.

    Both your comments are coming fast and furious so I’m trying to respond to your latest.

    So here goes:

    Your basic point was that you’re exclusively interested in cis-women, and that this is a preference you have, everyone is entitled to preferences so what’s the big deal. It doesn’t mean you’re not an ally.

    Life is complex. Just as there’s nobody that’s purely “racially white” (race isn’t real, but that’s beside the point, or maybe it is the point…), there’s nobody that’s purely female or male. Obviously most people’s bodies develop either testicles or ovaries not both, but: there is a sizable portion of the population where it’s not so clear cut. Ultimately: Every person has mutations in their DNA that skew their body towards and away from what’s considered masculine/feminine.

    While sexual orientation towards masculine/feminine people doesn’t seem to be strongly influenced by culture (ie I don’t think you can raise a kid to be gay), what a person perceives to be masculine/feminine/trans IS strongly a product of their culture and conditioning.

    Viewing sexuality and gender through the framework I laid out above and considering her experiences may help you understand why OurToothbrush sees transphobia where you see sexual preference.

    OurToothbrush’s experience seems to be that lots of ‘cis-het-men’ say they aren’t attracted to trans-women, but are in fact attracted to trans-women like her. When they discover that she is a trans-woman they have very negative reactions. Since the (former) suitors were attracted to her until they guessed she was assigned male at birth, but before they had learned the status of her genitalia, how can she conclude anything other than transphobia? Do you see how their reaction is basically the same as your statement?

    I pointed out to her that transphobia and homophobia are beaten into men/boys and if they have a negative reaction to learning that a women that they’re attracted to was assigned male at birth, it doesn’t mean they aren’t allies, just that they haven’t unlearned that phobic conditioning. It’s a type of internalized latent transphobia that has infected me too. I don’t dwell on it because as a person in a committed monogamous relationship for over half of my life, it is unlikely to matter, and I suspect it would be a monumental undertaking to unlearn. The effort is better spent healing rifts between allies.

    Can you understand why when someone says “I’m exclusively interested in cis-women” a person with OurToothbrush’s experiences might hear “trans-women are gross”.

    Tldr; I think I see where you’re both coming from. We cis-het-men are notoriously fragile, especially when our allyship is questioned. I think it will be more effective for people trying to point out people’s latent transphobia to take an educational/ collaborative tone at first, and it’s something I’m going to try to do a better job of helping people understand.

    Honestly, thank you two for having this spat so that I could map it out in my head better, I’m not sure I’ve done the best job typing it out though. You’re both welcome to tell me to fuck off.



  • Are you nitpicking an ally for using “exclusive” instead of “principal”?

    MapleEngineer doesn’t actually know for sure that he has never been attracted to a trans woman. So it’s important to correct him when he says he has an exclusive sexual interest in cis-women.

    Is that your point? That failing to acknowledge the nuance that sexuality exists on a spectrum must be addressed confrontationally because it’s erasure?

    Transphobia and homophobia are too often literally (yes, I mean literally) beaten into men. We have to work to unlearn it. If an ally says he wouldn’t be able to keep it up if he learned the woman he was courting was assigned male at birth, believe him, but don’t discount him as an ally. Imo your efforts are better spent combating active transphobia than policing your allies. If their terminology hurts you, suggest better ways to articulate their points but do it collaboratively instead of confrontationally.

    Just my two cents.




  • m0darn@lemmy.caOPtoSelfhosted@lemmy.worldnoob hardware question
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    7 months ago

    Okay, I think $80 Canadian for a case, psu, mobo, cpu, & ram is sounding pretty reasonable. I just don’t know of its enough processing power for the video stuff. But I guess if not I can upgrade the mobo/cpu or add a graphics card.

    Thanks, that channel looks great.

    Re offsite backup: Yes I don’t have so many family photos that it will be difficult/ expensive to store online. But I need to get them together first.




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    7 months ago

    The Pope is woke! Gender ideology IS toxic.

    We should support the catholic church in their initiative to reform their sexist gender roles.

    I’m impressed the patriarch of Rome is so invested in dismantling the patriarchy.

    … wait that’s not what he means? He supports highly defined gender roles? What a toxic ideology.



  • Yeah the inconsistencies are interesting.

    Is it because of the “than”? Do we just not like saying “fewer than”? Because it wouldn’t offend my ear to hear “we need less than 5 chairs”, but “we need less chairs” is outrageous to me, (for less than however many chairs it takes for them to become dequantized) [I did it again there, did you notice?]

    Or maybe it’s to do with the minutes being a quantization of something continuous, whereas usually we deal with the transition the other way.

    “couches vs. furniture” couches are discrete, furniture is discrete things as a collective.

    “time vs minutes” time is continuous, minutes are a quantization of it. That is a difference compared to couches/ furniture. How do we talk about other quantizations of continuous?

    Distance: how far is it? Less than 5 miles. Maybe it’s an acknowledgement of the fact that we talk about miles but inherently understand that distance isn’t countable.

    Oops that used “than” again. Uhhh… “the battery in my electric car is degraded so I get 10 less miles per charge”. Hmm I’m not sure if that sounds right…



  • Lmao why would gravity waves point away from the universe being a simulation?

    Sorry what I meant is miniscule gravitational forces across billions of light years.

    Because of the ridiculous cost of calculating the force of gravity between every water molecule on neptune and carbon atom on exoplanet xjwhatever. Gravity waves suggest this is actually happening.

    Also you put a comic strip as your source, you have less than zero credibility in anything.

    What community are we in? I don’t actually believe simulation theory… it’s a concise explanation.


  • Huge assumption there lol, but I guess I see your point.

    It’s not an assumption, it’s a conclusion based on the premises laid out in the previous sentences.

    Everything seems to point towards that being the case for us, and absolutely nothing hints at a simulation

    Maximum speed, minimum length, light is only a particle when we’re looking at it…

    Like there are other things that definitely point away from it being a simulation (eg gravity waves). But there’s not nothing pointing towards simulation.


  • There is a ceiling though. A computer made of matter of one universe cannot simulate an entire universe at the same speed.

    Right but we don’t know what the real universe’s limitations are, and I’m geostationary to speak too authoritatively of the capabilities of an arbitrarily advanced civilization.

    I don’t think simulation theory is true. Eg calculating gravitational forces between everything in the universe would presumably be extraordinarily cost intensive, but essentially irrelevant (I mean like gravitational waves, not the moon).