That is called described audio.

This is so ridiculous I hope it’s fake.

Like that’s ever going to happen.

Which app is this?

Just don’t read it. Delete and move on.

Who eats pie thinking it’s healthy?

The most likely cause of the slow boot is the usb dongle.

How does any of this relate to Microsoft?

Honestly, who cares? Use it or don’t.

I’ve never heard of a city making a road less safe with the intention of slowing down traffic.

Tear down the house.